Slow Wit and the Seven Intellectual Dwarfs
by RCGumby
Summary: It's mostly a parody of Snow White, but some other stories may sneak in from time to time.  Rate and review.
1. Beauty and the Bitch

**Chapter 1 - Beauty and the Bitch**

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ROYAL CASTLE_

_ SCENE pans slowly toward one of the castle towers, toward an open window through which the ORIGINAL QUEEN can be seen._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Long, long ago, in a land far, far away . . . around Tatooine I think . . . there stood a magnificent castle inhabited by a king and queen.  
(mutters under breath)  
Who else?

_ CUT to INTERIOR of TOWER, so we see the Queen is knitting in her private chambers._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
One day, while the lovely queen was knitting, she accidentally pricked her finger with the needle.

ORIGINAL QUEEN  
YEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
I love a woman who's well-bred.

ORIGINAL QUEEN  
Shut up!  
(to herself)  
How I wish I could have a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as rubies, and hair as black as ebony.  
(beat)  
I also wish I could have a band-aid.

_ The Queen starts sucking her bloody finger._

_SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, NURSERY, CASTLE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Several months later, the queen's wish was granted, and she and the king had a beautiful baby girl: Slow Wit, with skin as white as snow, lips as red as rubies, and hair as black as . . . ebony?

_ The Queen holds a baby, carefully wrapped in a blanket. The baby has light brown hair._

ORIGINAL QUEEN  
Oh well, two outta three isn't bad. But I'm still waiting for my band-aid.

_ She tickles the baby under her chin._

ORIGINAL QUEEN  
Cootchie-cootchie-coo!

_ The baby pees on the Queen._

ORIGINAL QUEEN  
I'll be glad when they invent diapers.

_ The Queen puts the baby down in a nearby crib and walks off-camera with a large wet spot spreading on her gown._

ORIGINAL QUEEN  
(mutters)  
For this I'm being paid scale?

_SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, CASTLE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Sadly, the Queen passed away soon after the child's birth. In time, the King married again, but the girl's new stepmother was wicked and vain.

_ CUT to INTERIOR, THRONE ROOM. The WICKED QUEEN slowly steps up to her MAGIC MIRROR, which is mounted prominently on the wall opposite the throne._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
The new Queen owned a magic mirror which knew all and could answer her every question. And every day, the Queen would ask it the same question.

QUEEN  
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who's the fairest of them all?

_ To the Queen's surprise, nothing happens: The Mirror just sits there blankly on the wall. She clears her throat._

QUEEN  
(with more emphasis)  
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who's the fairest of them all?

_ Still nothing happens._

QUEEN  
(shouts)  
Mirror! I asked you the question!

_This time, swirling mist appears in the mirror, and a bored, ghostly face materializes out of it._

MIRROR  
Do we really have to go through this again?

QUEEN  
Do you want to be polished with a dust-cloth or a weed-whacker?

MIRROR  
Oh, all right.  
(beat)  
With beauty like yours, 'tis plain to see,  
The fairest in the land is thee.

QUEEN  
You see, that wasn't so hard.

MIRROR  
Yes it was, my Queen.

QUEEN  
Ex-CUSE me?

MIRROR  
My Queen, I can't keep saying the exact same answer over and over again anymore. I need variety. I need to stretch myself as a magic, all-knowing mystic.

QUEEN  
(sarcastic)  
And how so, pray tell?

MIRROR  
You could ask me different questions, my Queen. How about asking for a stock report?

QUEEN  
I only like good news!

MIRROR  
How about sports news? I have results on the archery tournament in Nottingham.

QUEEN  
Oh, like I don't know who won that!

MIRROR  
Would you like to know what royal fashions are coming out next year?

QUEEN  
Forget i- ! . . . The new spring line?

MIRROR  
Spring and summer, my Queen. Dark blue is in for both.

QUEEN  
Tell me more!

_SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, ANOTHER ESTABLISHING SHOT of CASTLE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Years went by, and the King also passed away.

QUEEN (V.O.)  
And boy, what a life insurance policy he left! Haha!

_ CUT to INTERIOR, THRONE ROOM, CASTLE._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
. . . Yeah. After his death, the Queen alone raised her stepdaughter Slow Wit, who was growing more and more beautiful every year. Worried that the girl's beauty would soon rival her own, the wicked Queen made her do the most menial chores and wear the most dreary and tattered rags. But even this could not stifle the young princess' beauty, and by the time she was a teenager, she was unquestionably the most beautiful lady in the kingdom.

QUEEN  
Who asked you!

_ SLOW WIT enters the throne room. As the Narrator said, she's dressed in tattered clothes, and she carries a mop and bucket._

SLOW WIT  
Stepmother, I finished cleaning the castle courtyard, dusting all the rooms, and I replaced the filter on the moat putrifier.

QUEEN  
That's moat purifier, you moron!

SLOW WIT  
A moat? "Purified?"

_ Pregnant pause._

QUEEN  
Point taken. Did you feed all the cows and milk them?

SLOW WIT  
Yes, Stepmother.

QUEEN  
And feed and water the pigs?

SLOW WIT  
No, Stepmother. I couldn't get into their sty, it was locked.

QUEEN  
"Locked?"

SLOW WIT  
Yeah, and every time I told them to unlock it and let me in, they just taunted me with "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"

QUEEN  
Tell them if they don't let you in, I'll do a lot more than just huff and puff and blow their sty in!

SLOW WIT  
I already told them that, but they won't take my word for it.

QUEEN  
Then give them this word: Porkchops!

SLOW WIT  
Uh, isn't that two words?

QUEEN  
OUT!

_ Slow Wit recoils in fear and scampers out of the throne room._

_SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, WELL, CASTLE COURTYARD_

_ Slow Wit walks to the well and gently cranks the bucket down into it to gather water. Several pretty songbirds flutter down and land on the well's rim. Slow Wit smiles secretly at the birds._

SLOW WIT  
You want to know a secret? This is a wishing well!

_ The birds look back at her skeptically._

SLOW WIT  
If you whisper your wish into the well, it will surely come true!

_ The birds start laughing at her._

SLOW WIT  
It's true! Just watch!

_ She leans over the well and closes her eyes._

SLOW WIT  
I wish that I could meet a handsome young prince who will be my true love, and will take me away from my wicked stepmother and to his castle far away, where we will live happily ever after!

_ Slow Wit opens her eyes . . . but instead of a handsome prince she sees PINOCCHIO sitting on the wooden bench next to the well._

SLOW WIT  
You're my true love? I wished for a prince!

PINOCCHIO  
Don't hold your breath! I wished to be a real boy and nothing happened! That thing's a gyp!

SLOW WIT  
What are you doing in this story?

PINOCCHIO  
Tracking down my biological mother. I finally found records that said she used to live in the forest just outside your castle.

SLOW WIT  
That's wonderful! Wait, "used to"? Where is she now?

PINOCCHIO  
I'm sitting on her.  
(beat)  
Wonder if the Blue Fairy does benches?

_ Pan upwards toward a window into the throne room, through which the Queen has been watching the entire exchange below._

QUEEN  
(to herself)  
Was that trip really necessary?

_ The Queen closes the window's curtains and goes back into the throne room, where she approaches the magic mirror._

QUEEN  
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who is the fairest of them all?

_ No swirling mist appears, but the Mirror's voice still starts speaking. Only this time, judging by the heavy electronic reverberation, it's clearly a recording. And a poor-quality one at that:_

MIRROR  
With beauty like yours, 'tis plain to see,  
The fairest in the land-

QUEEN  
Wait a minute, what the hell's going on!

_ The Queen slams her hand repeatedly on the Mirror's side, like they used to do with finicky TV sets. And just like the old finicky TV sets, the picture rezzes and shorts for a few seconds until it finally stabilizes into the magic mist and the Mirror's face appears._

MIRROR  
Ow! Not so hard!

QUEEN  
What's the idea of the answering machine, or whatever this is! Is this another crack about wanting more "variety"? Haven't I been asking enough "different" questions for you?

MIRROR  
You still insist on asking that question over and over again, my Queen. It's still monotonous.

QUEEN  
Oh, is it!

MIRROR  
. . . . And, I don't think you'll like the actual answer.

QUEEN  
. . . . What do you mean?

MIRROR  
I mean you won't like the answer to who is fairest of them all.

QUEEN  
Since it must be me, I seriously doubt that! Now tell me!

MIRROR  
Yes, my Queen.

_Pregnant pause._

MIRROR  
I really don't think you'll like the answer -

QUEEN  
TELL ME WHO'S THE DAMN FAIREST IN THE LAND!

MIRROR  
(sighs)  
Very well, my Queen.  
(beat)  
Ruby of lips and blonde of hair,  
'Tis Slow Wit who is by far the most fair.

QUEEN  
Say WHAT!

MIRROR  
I told you you wouldn't like the answer.

QUEEN  
How can Slow Wit be fairest! The girl's a total wreck! Her hair is all scraggly, and it's got things living in it! Her clothes look like a cat hocked up all over them! And her face is so dirty she could clean it with a mud pack!

MIRROR  
That is true, my Queen. However, Slow Wit possesses an inner beauty which you totally lack. A pure heart, devoid of vanity and greed which so contaminate yours.

QUEEN  
"Inner beauty"? "Pure heart"? What, you got X-ray vision or something?

MIRROR  
You designed me to see all, remember? I have X-ray vision, infrared, radar, magnetic resonance, ultrasound -

QUEEN  
Never mind!  
(to herself)  
So, menial chores and tattered rags didn't work? I guess this calls for more drastic measures.

_ The Queen returns to her throne and presses a button on its arm. It buzzes briefly like an intercom._

QUEEN  
Royal Huntsman! Come to the throne room at once.

MIRROR  
My Queen, intercoms haven't been invented yet.

QUEEN  
Mind your own business!

_ The throne room doors open and in walks HUNTSMAN SMITH. He approaches the throne and bows before the Queen._

SMITH  
Huntsman Smith reporting, your Highness. You wanted to see me?

QUEEN  
Duh! I want you to take Slow Wit hunting with you in the forest.

SMITH  
Slow Wit hunting? You gotta be kidding, she can't even stand to watch flies being swatted!

QUEEN  
I have something else in mind.

_ The Queen pulls a small jeweled box from her robe._

QUEEN  
While you're in the forest, far away from where anyone can see you, I want you to kill the girl and bring me her heart in this box.

_ There's a long pregnant pause, during which Smith's expression freezes unnaturally._

SMITH  
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

QUEEN  
You caught it just fine, Huntsman!

SMITH  
Yeah, I caught it, and I'm throwing it right back! There is no way I'm ever going to harm a single hair on that sweet young lady's head, and there is nothing in the entire world you can do to me that's gonna make me!

QUEEN  
If you don't do it, I'll cut your salary!

_ The Huntsman quickly grabs the box._

SMITH  
One little brat's heart coming right up!

_ Smith turns quickly and rushes out of the throne room. The Queen turns toward the Mirror._

QUEEN  
You just have to know how to motivate your employees.

MIRROR  
Indeed, my Queen.

_ The Queen pulls a large screwdriver and hammer out of her robe, and steps toward the Mirror._

QUEEN  
Speaking of which, about your new "answering machine"...

_SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, FOREST_

_ Slow Wit and Smith enter the forest. Even this short distance from the edge, the trees are quite dense. Slow Wit lets her enthusiasm get the better of her and she runs on ahead into the trees, and we can see that it's not far at all before the forest becomes very dark and very spooky._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
So the Huntsman escorted Slow Wit deep into the woods. Slow Wit, completely oblivious to her own danger, walked around happily, looking at all the animals they passed, and gazing up into all the trees...

_ Slow Wit stares upward into the trees so high she doesn't watch where she's going, and_ WHAM!

NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)  
...and walking into them.

_ Smith nervously looks around and confirms he and Slow Wit are completely alone - alone together, I mean. Slow Wit has her back to him, too focused on a bird nest in another tree she's staring up into - WHAM! - until she walks into that one. She quickly shakes it off and resumes bird watching, her back still to Smith. Slowly, silently, he pulls his long hunting knife out of its sheath and creeps up toward Slow Wit. Closer and closer, he gets within a few feet of Slow Wit and raises his knife..._

_ Slow Wit suddenly turns around to face Smith. Smith quickly whips his knife arm down behind his back and gives her a very wide, very nervous grin._

SLOW WIT  
Thank you for taking me out here, Mr. Smith. I just hope you aren't going to kill anything!

SMITH  
(speaks too quickly)  
No-no! Not at all! Just a nature hike, that's all! Nothing suspicious about that, no sir!

_ Slow Wit stares at Smith's nervous posture, concealed arm, bulging eyes, and too-wide-to-be-normal grin._

SLOW WIT  
What's behind your back?

_ Smith quickly looks behind him, then back at Slow Wit._

SMITH  
(still nervous, grinning)  
The forest!

SLOW WIT  
Are you hiding something? Is it a surprise?

SMITH  
No-no!

SLOW WIT  
"No-no", you're not hiding something, or "no-no", it's not a surprise?

SMITH  
(too fast, too nervous)  
Yes! I mean no! I MEAN- ! . . I'm not hiding anything!

_ Slow Wit isn't as slow-wit as her name suggests: She can tell he's hiding something._

SLOW WIT  
Come on, be a sport! Show me your hands!

_ He can tell she can tell he's hiding something. __We__ can tell he's doing something frantic with his arm behind his back before he finally pulls both hands out front. They're empty._

SMITH  
See? Nothing!

_ Slow Wit gives him a skeptical look, but then shrugs in acceptance._

SLOW WIT  
Okay. I'm sorry if I made you nervous.

_ She turns away. CUT to a CLOSEUP of Smith's back: The knife is tucked into the back of his belt, with the blade pointed down._

_ Smith sighs in relief, wipes his sweaty brow, and glances a tree stump nearby for him to sit down and let his heart rate drop back to normal again. He sits down, and the knife blade tilts in exactly the wrong way, making him stand back up in a BIG hurry:_

SMITH  
YEEEEEEOOOOOWWW!

_ Slow Wit whirls around. Smith is rubbing his rump._

SLOW WIT  
Are you all right?

SMITH  
(puts on nervous but brave face)  
Fine - fine! J-just sat on a . . . on a - a thumbtack! Yeah, a thumbtack!

SLOW WIT  
Must've been some thumbtack! You look like you've been stabbed!

SMITH  
(nervousness goes up two levels)  
"Stabbed"! NO-NO, nothing like that!

SLOW WIT  
Mr. Smith, calm down! You're a bundle of nerves! Maybe you should take a vacation, I'd hate for you to get a stroke or something because of too much stress.

_ It takes several moments, but Smith calms himself down a bit._

SMITH  
Stress. Yeah, I got stress, all right! This job's really starting to get to me!  
(beat)  
Thanks, Princess. Just . . thanks for being concerned.

SLOW WIT  
Well, why wouldn't I be? You've been such a good friend to me all these years.  
(beat)  
Well okay, I wish you hadn't shown me how black pudding is made, but other than that, thank you, just for being there! You know, when my wicked stepmother would really pile the work on me . . . and scream at me . . . and spike my morning cocoa with castor oil . . . somehow you always know how to cheer me up, and let me know I'm not alone. Just the fact that you're there for me lets me know my life isn't all bad, and that someday it'll get better.

_ Smith feels __really__ uncomfortable now._

SMITH  
. . . Uh, you're welcome, Princess. . . . I'm . . . glad I could help. . . . You're a good kid.  
(beat)  
You deserve a lot better.

_ Smith suddenly recoils and throws his knife to the ground in full view of Slow Wit._

SMITH  
Oh hell, I can't do this!

SLOW WIT  
(surprised)  
Do what?

SMITH  
I gotta level with you, Princess! The Queen sent me out here to kill you!

SLOW WIT  
What! I know she has it in for me, but - why would she want to kill me? And why would you be in on it?

SMITH  
I didn't want to, but she's mad! She's insane with jealousy because you're more beautiful than she is!

SLOW WIT  
"Beautiful!" That's what it's all about? It can't be!

SMITH  
I'm telling you, all the bats have flown out of her belfry! Your only chance is to run away. Run as far away from the castle as you can!

SLOW WIT  
But run where?

SMITH  
Who cares? Anyplace is better than that castle! Just go!

SLOW WIT  
But what about you, Mr. Smith?

SMITH  
Don't worry, I'll make her think I killed you. Then maybe I'll go to Washington, I don't know, anywhere but here!

SLOW WIT  
(afraid)  
All right. I'll never forget you!

_ Scared for her life for the first time in her life, Slow Wit runs into the deep, dark woods. She makes it about ten feet before she slams into another tree trunk. She recovers a little more slowly this time, and resumes her flight into the woods. Seconds later, another _WHAM!_ is heard from out of sight._

SMITH  
Oh boy. At this rate, the Queen'll make her into black pudding.  
(beat; shudders)  
Now I wish I hadn't seen how it's made!

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	2. The Princess and the Pea Brains

**Chapter 2 - The Princess and the Pea-Brains**

_SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, DEEP DARK FOREST_

_ Slow Wit runs fearfully through the forest -_

_DEEP DARK__ FOREST_

_ - whatever! The trees seem to close in on her, and take on the shapes of frightening monsters._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Last time in our tale, the wicked Queen plotted to murder Slow Wit so that the girl wouldn't take over her spot as fairest of all. But Huntsman Smith had a change of heart and instead sent Slow Wit away into the woods to hide.

WHAM!_ Slow Wit slams into another tree trunk._

NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)  
Or an unreasonable facsimile thereof. And so, Slow Wit ran for her life. Never before was she more terrified.

WHAM!

NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)  
Or more bruised.

SLOW WIT  
(groans)  
I'm beginning to think I'll live longer staying with Stepmother.

_ Slow Wit turns from the tree she ran into, and screams in fear at a scary-looking tree next to it. It takes her several seconds to calm her nerves._

SLOW WIT  
N-n-now, c-calm down, girl! Th-there's nothing to be afraid of! Th-th-this is just a forest! A thick . . . deep . . . dark . . . spooky forest.  
(beat)  
W-with animals! Cute little furry animals! Squirrels . . . bunnies . . . mice . . . spiders . . . snakes . . . wolves . . . lions, tigers, bears, oh my! LEMME OUTTA HERE!

_ Slow Wit runs like mad again, but this time she screeches to a halt before plowing into another tree._

SLOW WIT  
Ha! You didn't clobber me that time!

_ A dead limb suddenly falls on her head, and she keels over unconscious._

_SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, STILL DEEP in the DEEP DARK FOREST_

_ Numerous animals creep out of the trees to slowly surround Slow Wit's unconscious form._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Slow Wit lay there for what seemed like hours. Then gradually, the animals of the forest crept out and gathered around to inspect the young visitor to their woods.

SQUIRREL  
Who's this geek?

DEER  
It's a man! Everybody run for it, Man is in the forest again!

BADGER  
(rolls her eyes)  
There he goes again, freakin' out about "Man"! In the first place, this isn't a man, it's a woman!

DEER  
Alright, Woman is in the forest again!

BADGER  
And in the second place, this "woman" is unarmed! What's she gonna do, shoot us with her finger?

DEER  
If I had fingers, I'd shoot you one!

_ Slow Wit suddenly stirs. The animals back away quickly._

SLOW WIT  
(murmurs)  
Unnh . . . okay, cliché question number one: Where am I?

_ She looks up, sees all the cute animals surrounding her, and smiles._

SLOW WIT  
Hello, little animals! I'm Slow Wit!

DEER  
"Slow Wit"? What a stupid name!

BADGER  
That's rich coming from a buck with a girl's name.

DEER  
Watch it!

RABBIT  
(to Deer and Badger)  
Both of you knock it off! Can't you see this girl is lost and needs help?

SLOW WIT  
I wonder if you animals can help me? I'm lost!

RABBIT  
See?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
It was unfortunate that Slow Wit couldn't understand what the animals were saying to her, but she quickly realized they were no threat to-

SLOW WIT  
What do you mean, I can't understand them?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
It's that old plot device, you know? Where the animals can all speak to and understand each other, but humans can't understand them?

SLOW WIT  
Why not?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
. . . I don't know, that's just how it happens in stories like this - wait a minute, you shouldn't be able to speak to the narrator, either!

SLOW WIT  
People do it in cartoons all the time.

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
This isn't a cartoon, it's a fairy tale. For that matter, it's just the script for a fairy tale!

SLOW WIT  
A script? You mean we're just words on a page?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Yes . . . well, we will be once somebody prints this out.

SLOW WIT  
You mean we aren't even on paper yet? We're just on somebody's computer screen?

DEER  
Hey! Are we gonna take this kid to the seven dwarfs' cottage or not?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
. . What - oh right!

_SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, WALKING through the FOREST_

NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)  
And so the animals led Slow Wit through the woods. Over a narrow stream and through a shadowy glade, until they came to a small cottage in the middle of a clearing.

_ The cottage the Narrator's talking about is well-built, with a thick thatched roof and small windows with decorative shutters. A simple stone path over a wooden bridge built over the stream and leads up to the front door. And the whole structure is indeed small, as if it was proportioned for children._

SLOW WIT  
Who lives here, the Munchkins?  
(looks down at stone path)  
If they do, their yellow bricks really need polishing.

BADGER  
Wait'll you see the house.

_ Slow Wit and the animals walk up to the house, Slow Wit opens the door, and they look inside._

_CUT to SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, COTTAGE_

_ Once the enormous cloud of released dust drifts out of their line of sight, they get a good look at the inside of the cottage . . . and wish they hadn't._

SLOW WIT  
Good grief! This place is a bigger mess than the palace guards' barracks after poker night! Look, there are piles of dirty dishes and clothes a mile high everywhere.

_ She enters, kicking up more dust that gets into her face._

SLOW WIT  
AH-CHOO! The dust must be three inches thick!

_ She looks into the fireplace._

SLOW WIT  
So are the leavings in this cooking pot! Gross, are those mushrooms growing in it?

_ The animals are almost too afraid to enter the house, fearing whatever cooties they'd pick up from all the dirt._

SLOW WIT  
"Cooties?"

_ Hey, you're not supposed to understand me either!_

SLOW WIT  
(sarcastic)  
Sorry!

_ Slow Wit notices how small all the furniture is._

SLOW WIT  
All this furniture looks like it was built for children. Maybe that's it! This is a house for little orphaned children who don't know how to look after themselves. Well, let's help them out while they're gone! We'll clean up the house and cook a delicious meal for them and -

RABBIT  
What do you mean, "we"?

BADGER  
Yeah, you think this is a fairy tale or something? We're wild animals, we don't cook or clean or do sing-a-longs or any of that garbage!

DEER  
We found you shelter for the night. Beyond that, you're on your own!

_ The animals vacate the house and run back into the woods._

SLOW WIT  
See if I renew my membership to the Sierra Club!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
And so Slow Wit cleaned all morning and afternoon. Finally, the entire house looked at least habitable, so she prepared a big pot of stew in the fireplace. By the time it was up to a slow simmer, she was very tired. So she went upstairs to find a place to nap. In the bedroom, she found seven little beds all in a row. Too tall to use any one of them, she instead crashed lengthwise on four of them, and fell fast asleep.

SLOW WIT  
ZZZZZZZZZZZ...!

_SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, FOREST_

_ The animals react to the incredibly loud sound of Slow Wit's snoring barreling through the forest._

DEER  
It's Man! They've come with chainsaws this time! Everybody run!

_ Deer leaps into the thicket._

BADGER  
(rolls her eyes again)  
I'm moving in with my cousin near Toad Hall.

_SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, FOREST, NEAR COTTAGE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Slow Wit's guess about the house's occupants was almost right: They weren't children, but they were miners. And they were now on their way home from a hard day's work.

_ SEVEN DWARFS march out of the deep woods: BOSSY, BRAINY, SPACEY, SILLY, STINKY, CRABBY, and DREARY, all carrying picks and shovels, approach the little house. They all stop short when they see:_

BRAINY  
Look! The front door's open!

BOSSY  
Alright, who didn't lock the door?

STINKY  
The door doesn't have a lock, remember?

CRABBY  
I keep telling you guys we should install a deadbolt, but do we? Noooooo! Any burglar could waltz into our home and rob us blind!

DREARY  
What do we have that's worth stealing?

SPACEY  
Besides, dudes. Locks don't keep others out of your house, they keep you a prisoner in your house. You don't want to be locked away from the whole world, do you?

CRABBY  
I wish somebody would lock you away!

_ The dwarfs hurry the rest of the way to their house and pile inside._

_CUT to SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, DWARFS' HOUSE_

_ The dwarfs stare in shock._

BOSSY  
What the hell happened to our house!

CRABBY  
Who washed our clothes?

SILLY  
Who dusted the table?

BRAINY  
Who cleaned the dishes?

DREARY  
Who cut the cheese?

_ All the other dwarfs stare at Stinky._

STINKY  
What?

_ A loud _ZZZZZZZZZ_ roars down from the upstairs bedroom._

BOSSY  
What the hell is that?

BRAINY  
Sounds like a lion! Or a tiger, or bear!

SPACEY  
Or a chainsaw, man! Why don't those money-grubbing developers leave our trees alone?

CRABBY  
That came from upstairs, we don't have any trees in our bedroom! Unless . . . are you growing anything new up there you haven't told us?

SPACEY  
Just organic herbs. Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. Bought them at Scarborough Fair last month. Oh no, what if the lion or tiger or bear eats them?

STINKY  
Lions and tigers and bears don't eat plants!

BRAINY  
Actually, bears are omnivores, so it is possible that a bear would eat Spacey's -

BOSSY  
Will you shut up! There's someone or something up in our bedroom, and we've got to chase it out! I'll lead the way!  
(pushes Silly ahead of him)  
After you!

_ The dwarfs, with the extremely reluctant Silly leading the way, creep up the stairs and into the bedroom. There, they find Slow Wit still sleeping on the bed._

SILLY  
(with goofy smile)  
Wow! She's a pretty lady, isn't she?

SLOW WIT  
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

SILLY  
(rubs his ears)  
With a really strong set of lungs!

DREARY  
(taps his ears)  
WHAT!

STINKY  
Shhh! You'll wake her up.

_ Right on cue, Slow Wit stirs._

SLOW WIT  
(murmurs)  
Unnh . . . Not again.

_ Slow Wit fully wakes up and sees the seven dwarfs staring at her._

SLOW WIT  
Who're you?

BOSSY  
A better question is, who are you and what're you doing in our beds?

BRAINY  
And did you clean our house?

SLOW WIT  
Slow Wit, I was tired, and yes. Is this your house?

SILLY  
Of course it is, we're the Seven Dwarfs!

SLOW WIT  
"Dwarfs?"

CRABBY  
Who do you think we are, the Boston Celtics?

SLOW WIT  
I thought we were supposed to call you "Vertically Challenged" now.

BOSSY  
"Slow Wit and the Seven Vertically Challenged." Doesn't really roll of the tongue.

DREARY  
And "the Seven Intellectual Dwarfs" does?

CRABBY  
Why is this story called "Slow Wit and the Seven Intellectual Dwarfs" anyway? It's like the title's saying we're all stupid, and we're not! It's insulting! What the hell was the writer thinking!

BRAINY  
Actually, I brought that up with the writer myself earlier. He told me this was the best title out of the possible ones he and his staff came up with.

CRABBY  
Are you seriously telling me every other title they could think of was worse than this? That's crazy, what could possibly be worse? Not to mention less offensive to us!

SILLY  
What were the other titles?

BRAINY  
Well, there was "Shmoe White and the Seven Dorks."

CRABBY  
. . . Okay, that one's worse.

BRAINY  
"Snore Weird and the Seven Droops."

CRABBY  
(glances at Slow Wit)  
. . . Well, I buy the "Snore Weird" part -

SLOW WIT  
Hey!

BRAINY  
"Grow Wheat and the Leavened Loafs."

CRABBY  
That's a half-baked title.

BRAINY  
"No Sh-BLEEP! and the Seven BLEEP!-s."

CRABBY  
What!

BRAINY  
And finally, "Coal Black and -"

CRABBY  
ALRIGHT-ALRIGHT! We're intellectual dwarfs! Fine!

BOSSY  
Geez! How did the writer get away with suggesting that title!

BRAINY  
He didn't. The censors came down on him like a ton of bricks.

_SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, WRITERS' ROOM, RC GUMBY STUDIO_

_ A large pile of bricks is on the floor next to the writers' conference table. Two hands stick out from the bottom of the pile._

WRITER  
(muffled)  
You're telling me!

_SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, BEDROOM, DWARFS' COTTAGE_

SLOW WIT  
Look guys, whatever you call yourselves, I need help. My stepmother the Queen is trying to kill me! I need a place to hide!

BOSSY  
Hmmm.  
(to other dwarfs)  
Huddle!

_ The dwarfs huddle briefly, talking amongst themselves, then break._

BRAINY  
Can you cook?

SLOW WIT  
Yes.

STINKY  
Do you smoke?

SLOW WIT  
No.

BOSSY  
Okay, you can stay.

SLOW WIT  
Oh, thankyou-thankyou-thankyou!

_ Slow Wit kisses each dwarf's forehead in rapid succession._

SILLY  
(sly grin)  
We gotta take in fairy tale princesses more often!

BOSSY  
Later, Don Juan.  
(to Slow Wit)  
We noticed there was stew cooking downstairs. Your handiwork?

SLOW WIT  
Oh my goodness! I hope it hasn't burned!

_ Slow Wit leaps out of the beds and runs downstairs, followed closely by the dwarfs._

_SCENE 10 - INTERIOR, MAIN ROOM, DWARFS' COTTAGE_

_ Slow Wit uncovers the stewpot and carefully takes it off the fire, setting it on the bricks to serve. The dwarfs sit at the table while she ladles it into bowls for them._

SLOW WIT  
I hope you like it. The Queen often made me do the cooking back at the palace as well as the cleaning. And the plumbing. And do the grocery runs. And feed the barn animals. And clean up after them.

STINKY  
For the love of - Didn't the Queen have other staff to do all that?

SLOW WIT  
Not anymore. Aside from being wicked and vain, she's also lousy at managing money. Every year the palace finances get further into the red. She fired most of the servants to try and save money, and I always have to pick up the slack.

BRAINY  
You poor kid! You're well rid of that place.

SLOW WIT  
Maybe . . . I don't know, it's all happened so fast.  
(beat)  
It's only just hit me . . I've left the only home I've ever known. The place I grew up. The place where my mother and father lived.

_ The dwarfs give her looks that say they feel for her._

SLOW WIT  
And it's not like I had a lot of memories of them. I mean, Mom died when I was just a baby, and Dad not long after. And Stepmother threw out everything connected with them so she could have the whole palace to herself. Fact is, the only solid thing I had left my parents was some old photos I once found while cleaning the attic. They were small, fragile, torn in places, but they were still my parents. And I got the idea to send them away to have enlargements printed, so I could hang them up in an old storeroom that Stepmother never goes into, and make myself a little hideaway where I could be with them, and forget for a while what a rotten life I was living.  
(beat)  
That was two weeks ago, and the new prints hadn't come back yet when I had to run away. I don't know if I'll ever get them back now, which means I've lost the only mementos I had of my Mom and Dad.

_ Slow Wit is really depressed now, and the dwarfs all give her silent sympathy. She then tries to perk herself up._

SLOW WIT  
But, as they say, it's always darkest before the dawn. I'm still alive, and I've made some new friends, who've given me a new home. When it comes to what's really important, things are looking up. And as for my parents, I don't know that I won't ever get their pictures back either.  
(beat)  
I just need to have faith that . . someday my prints will come.

_ The disgusted dwarfs all boo her loudly._

SLOW WIT  
What!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Boo! And with that flash of pain, we close the shutters on another chapter of our story. The princess is safely in the care of the seven dwarfs, but for how long? Did the huntsman successfully fool the wicked queen, and if he didn't, then what will the Queen do to Slow Wit?

SILLY  
Don't you know? You're the one narrating this story.

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
I'm trying to set up dramatic tension for this cliffhanger.

DREARY  
Too little, too late after Slow Wit's lousy pun.

SLOW WIT  
Hey, don't lay it on me, I didn't write this!

CRABBY  
But you said it!

SLOW WIT  
It was in the script! Anyway, what about that groaner the narrator said about you not being children but "miners"?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
At least I didn't have to spend three entire paragraphs setting it up.

SLOW WIT  
And another thing, you hassled me earlier for talking to you, but it's okay for you to talk to us!

BOSSY  
Yeah, who died and made you the literary police!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Okay look, there's a very calm and rational way to settle this.

BRAINY  
How's that?

_TO BE CONTINUED_

BOSSY  
Hey, no fair!

_ The Narrator blows a raspberry._


	3. Fruit of the Loon

**Chapter 3 - Fruit of the Loon**

_SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, WICKED QUEEN'S CASTLE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
When we last left Slow Wit, she was getting settled in with the Seven Intellectual Dwarfs -

CRABBY (V.O.)  
We are not "intellectual" dwarfs!

SLOW WIT (V.O.)  
And my wits are not slow!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Go away! - in their cottage deep in the forest. Meanwhile, the wicked Queen was ecstatic, for the Huntsman had returned earlier with the jeweled box, within which appeared to be Slow Wit's heart.

_ The Queen dances around the throne room, holding the box in her hands._

QUEEN  
(singing)  
I left my heart . . in San Francisco!

_ She ends her song and dance early and waltzes to her mirror._

QUEEN  
Okay Mirror, try and weasel out of it now!  
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who is the fairest of them all?

_ The Mirror's face appears in a swirl of magic mist. The Mirror doesn't say anything, however, and the Queen's good mood quickly evaporates._

QUEEN  
Well! Who's the fairest of them all!  
(beat)  
Wait a minute, you mean it's still not me? There's someone else in the kingdom who's fairer than me?

MIRROR  
. . . Well, that depends what you mean by "fair," my Queen. If you mean "fair" as in "conforming to established standards or rules", then pretty much everyone in the kingdom is fairer than you. You lie, you cheat, you plot murder -

QUEEN  
It means "fair" as in "beautiful"! The same thing it always means when I ask you the damn question!

MIRROR  
I was afraid of that.  
(beat)  
She and seven dwarfs will have some fun.  
Slow Wit is still the fairest one.

QUEEN  
You're cracked, Mirror! Slow Wit's deader than Vegas at sun-up! And I've got her heart right here in this box as proof!

MIRROR  
I hate to say it, but you've been taken.  
That's the heart of a pig - you brought home the bacon.

_ Pregnant pause._

QUEEN  
A pig's heart!

MIRROR  
Truth is out, my Queen.

QUEEN  
(stammers)  
Then . . . Slow Wit . . . she . . . this isn't . . .

_ The Queen suddenly calms down - though her expression says it's a dangerous calm - and walks over to the throne and activates the intercom._

QUEEN  
(forced calm)  
Huntsman, could I see you in the throne room for a minute?

_ Huntsman Smith doesn't answer._

QUEEN  
(no longer calm)  
Huntsman! Get in here, right now!

SMITH (V.O.)  
(recording)  
Hello, you've reached the royal huntsman, Mr. Smith. I'm not in right now, and I probably never will be again. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message, and I won't get back to you anytime soon.

_ A loud bleep at the other end signals the end of the recording. The Queen deactivates the intercom._

QUEEN  
The only message I have for him would just create more bleeps.  
(beat)  
Guess I'll have to take care of Slow Wit myself.

_SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, WITCH'S LABORATORY, CASTLE_

_ The Queen descends a dark spiral staircase into an evil-looking laboratory full of alchemy equipment, potions, creepy ingredients, and shelves with books of evil magic. The Queen starts searching through the shelves, looking for a particular book._

_ The magic mirror's face appears in a dusty mirror on the wall right behind the Queen._

MIRROR  
May I help you?

_ The Queen yelps in shock and reels toward the mirror._

QUEEN  
How many times have I told you not to sneak into my lab like that!

MIRROR  
If you would start carrying your pocket mirror again, I wouldn't have to.

QUEEN  
You know I never get enough bars on that thing! Now be quiet and let me look!

_ The Queen searches further along the shelf until she finds and pulls out a large book titled "Black Magic Spells for All Occasions." She places it on a reading stand and starts thumbing through it._

MIRROR  
May I ask what you're looking for, my Queen?

QUEEN  
I'm looking for that poison apple spell I saw once. I've always wanted to try that. I'll give the apple to Slow Wit, she'll eat it, and fall into a sleep she can never wake up from. That'll put her out of the running for fairest in the land for good!

MIRROR  
Your plan is simple, but she knows you've already tried to kill her. Do you really think she will accept any apples from you?

QUEEN  
You're right. I'll need a disguise.

_ The Queen flips through several chapters in the book and then slows down to search a few new pages until stopping at one._

QUEEN  
And here's a spell to make me one! Let's see, lizard tails, spider eyes, grasshopper armpits, teaspoon vanilla - vanilla? - and two leaves from a yellow panther plant. No problem!

MIRROR  
Unfortunately, there is a big problem, my Queen. The last known specimen of the yellow panther plant died twenty years ago.

QUEEN  
(outraged)  
Oh, great! Those idiots destroying the rain forest finally did it! How am I supposed to make this spell work with an extinct ingredient!

MIRROR  
It may be possible to substitute banana leaves, but I cannot be certain of its success, my Queen.

QUEEN  
I'm desperate! I'll try it!

_ The Queen adds all the ingredients, including the substitute, to a glass beaker simmering over a Bunsen burner. She stirs them until thoroughly mixed, picks up the warm beaker, and stares at it with a grimace._

QUEEN  
(mutters)  
Now I have to drink this slop. Boy, being a witch is no picnic.

_ She drinks it. Nothing happens for a few moments, other than her mouth warping from the horrible taste, but then her eyes go wide..._

QUEEN  
Some - something's happening! I - GIURRAAAKGH!

_ The Queen is bathed in a blinding light and she writhes in agony for several moments. The face in the mirror vanishes, and when the light subsides, the Queen looks at herself in the now-clear mirror._

QUEEN  
What the hell!

_ The Queen now looks like Groucho Marx._

QUEEN  
Banana leaves, huh? What do you have to say for yourself, Mirror!

MIRROR (V.O.)  
If it's the secret word, do I get a hundred dollars?

QUEEN  
Cut the wisecracks, or I'll give you some real cracks!

MIRROR (V.O.)  
That's the most ridiculous thing I ever hoid.

QUEEN  
Shut up! This isn't going to work, I'll have to try another substitute! Maybe sugar beets...

_ The Queen mixes another potion, this time using tea leaves as the substitute ingredient, and pulls another face._

QUEEN  
It better at least make me a woman this time!

_ She downs the potion, and once again writhes in agony as she's bathed in blinding light. When the light fades, she looks in the mirror to view her new disguise._

QUEEN  
Oh, for crying out loud!

_ The Queen now looks like Shirley Temple._

MIRROR (V.O.)  
Are you trying to sneak into the dwarfs' cottage or the Good Ship Lollipop?

QUEEN  
I'm gonna lolli-pop you in the face if you keep that up!

MIRROR (V.O.)  
The sugar beets were your idea, my Queen, you can't blame me for this.

QUEEN  
I'm the damn Queen, I can blame anybody I like! And as Queen, I say I'm gonna get this disguise potion to work! This time I'll try leaves from this rare African strangler vine.

_ The Queen mixes up yet another potion, drinks it, writhes in blinding light, and then looks in the Mirror at her latest disguise._

QUEEN  
OH MY GOD!

_ The Queen now looks like Dumbo._

QUEEN  
I can't go to the dwarfs' cottage looking like this!

MIRROR (V.O.)  
Indeed, you would definitely be an elephant in the room.

_ The empty beaker the Queen just drank from hurtles through the air and crashes into the wall, missing the Mirror by only an inch._

MIRROR (V.O.)  
(meekly)  
I shut up now.

QUEEN  
Yes, you do!  
(beat)  
Okay, one more try!

_ She looks through her witchy ingredients, but can find only one more thing that might do this trick._

QUEEN  
Tea leaves.  
(beat)  
Oh, what the hell...

_The Queen mixes up her fourth potion, drinks it, writhes in blinding light, and then looks in the Mirror. She now looks like an old hag in a black cloak._

QUEEN  
Now this is more like it! I look at least eighty or ninety years old, Slow Wit will never recognize me! Now for the poison apples.

_ The Queen turns back to the poison apple spell and reads it, adding the quoted ingredients to a bubbling cauldron at each step._

QUEEN  
I endow you with all the powers of eternal sleep!  
Eye of sloth!  
Heart of snail!  
Shell of clam!  
A cup of warm milk!  
Seven prescription depressants!  
And essence of State-of-the-Union Address!

_ The cauldron's contents glow with an unearthly light for a few seconds, and then a small explosion erupts from the cauldron. The Queen coughs through the resulting cloud of smoke. The Mirror's face reappears._

MIRROR  
You really should cut down on the smoky magic, my Queen. It's bad for your health.

QUEEN  
Just one more spell, Mirror. I'll quit once Slow Wit's out of the way.

_ The Queen ties a thin rope to the handle of a basket of apples, and carefully dips the basket into the potion. After a few seconds, she lifts the basket out, lets it drip dry for a few more seconds, and gives an evil grin._

QUEEN  
Perfect! All ready for Miss Goody Two-Shoes! Mirror, is Slow Wit still at the dwarfs' cottage?

MIRROR  
Yes, my Queen.

QUEEN  
Good!

_ The Queen starts to exit through a passageway that will lead down to the moat and a waiting boat that will sneak her out of the castle and into the woods . . . but she stops and hesitantly turns back to the Mirror._

QUEEN  
Uh . . how do I get to the dwarfs' cottage?

_ The Mirror takes a deep breath and replies:_

MIRROR  
(rapid-fire)  
Turn right out of the secret exit to the moat, row 100 feet to the stream inlet and head upstream, row another 1.3 miles until you get to a large, flat-topped rock next to a footpath heading into the deep woods, get out of the boat and walk south along the footpath 0.9 miles, turn left at the fork, walk another 1.7 miles to a log bridge over another stream, cross the log, immediately turn left, walk downstream 0.6 miles to the clearing where the dwarfs' cottage is located.

_ The Mirror takes another deep breath._

MIRROR  
Got it?

QUEEN  
Got it.

_ The Queen exits the laboratory._

MIRROR  
(to himself, smug)  
Eat your heart out, Mapquest.

_SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, DWARFS' COTTAGE, FOREST_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
So the Wicked Queen set out into the forest with a basket full of poison apples for Slow Wit. Meanwhile, the seven dwarfs were just leaving their home to go to work at their mine, leaving Slow Wit to look after the house.

_ The cottage's front door opens and Slow Wit steps outside. Just behind her, the dwarfs file out of the house._

SLOW WIT  
Goodbye, boys. See you tonight.

SILLY  
Bye, Slowy.

BRAINY  
"Slowy?"

SILLY  
What, can't I give her a pet name?

SPACEY  
Look, Slow Wit, I don't mean to give you any bad vibes, but when the Queen finds out you're still alive, she'll totally flip out, and she's sure to try coming after you again.

BOSSY  
And we can't be absolutely sure she won't find you here.

SPACEY  
So even though it goes totally against my scene, you're gonna have to stay in the house and lock all the doors and windows while we're gone, and don't let anyone in no matter who shows up.

CRABBY  
Except us! Let us in when we get back!

SLOW WIT  
I know that! I'm Slow Wit, not slow witted!  
(beat)  
By the way, what kind of riches will you dig up in the mine today? Gold? Silver? Diamonds?

BRAINY  
Actually, 78% of the ore consists of bastnasite, monazite, and other related rare earth carbonate minerals.

SLOW WIT  
. . . What good are those?

BRAINY  
They're used in the production of certain alloys and colored glasses, and for making permanent magnets, carbon-arc lamps, self-cleaning ovens . .

SLOW WIT  
. . . Oooo - kay. You say that's 78%, what's the rest of it?

BRAINY  
Another 12% consists of columbite, a source of niobium which is used in nuclear magnetic resonance scanners. The remainder consists mostly of uninteresting minerals like feldspar and silica. The only two really interesting trace minerals are microscopic dilithium crystals and fragments of a carbonaceous meteorite.

SLOW WIT  
So . . . what do you do with them?

_ Pregnant pause._

DWARFS  
(in unison)  
Absolutely nothing!

_ And with that, the dwarfs head out into the forest and off to work._

SLOW WIT  
Boy, what a way to make a living.

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
So Slow Wit went back inside and locked all the doors and windows, then started on the housework. But little did she know that the disguised Queen was watching the house from elsewhere in the trees.

_ The disguised Queen peaks out from behind the trees bordering the clearing._

QUEEN  
I thought those bozos would never leave. Now to get down to business.

_ She walks up to the cottage and knocks on the front door._

SLOW WIT (O.S.)  
No thanks! We don't need any more brushes!

QUEEN  
I'm not a brush salesman! I'm selling apples!

SLOW WIT (O.S.)  
Oh.  
(pregnant pause)  
We don't need any apples either!

_ Another pregnant pause._

QUEEN  
Oranges?

SLOW WIT (O.S.)  
No.

QUEEN  
Bananas?

SLOW WIT (O.S.)  
No.

QUEEN  
Blueberries?

SLOW WIT (O.S.)  
No.

QUEEN  
Tomatoes, cherries, kiwis?

SLOW WIT (O.S.)  
No, no, no. The only thing we don't have is avocadoes.

_ Another pregnant pause._

QUEEN  
Just a minute.

_ The Queen runs back into the trees. Five seconds later, she returns with a different basket and knocks on the door again._

QUEEN  
Avocadoes for sale!

_ Slow Wit immediately opens the door with a big smile._

SLOW WIT  
Gee, what a coincidence! I'm all out.

QUEEN  
Well, just look at these babies! Aren't they gorgeous?

SLOW WIT  
Well I wouldn't know about babies, but those avocadoes look good!

QUEEN  
And they'll go perfectly in all great avocado recipes.  
(adds under her breath)  
Both of them.

SLOW WIT  
I sure could use some of them.

QUEEN  
Well, why don't you let me inside and we'll talk business?

SLOW WIT  
Oh, I'm not supposed let strangers in.

QUEEN  
They're 50% off the regular price.

_ Slow Wit immediately steps aside._

SLOW WIT  
Come in! Make yourself comfortable!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
So the unsuspecting Slow Wit - what was she saying about not being slow witted? - let the wicked Queen inside with her poison . . uh, avocadoes. What horrible fate awaits Slow Wit now? Find out in our next episode.

_TO BE CONTINUED_

_ What, no lame parting shots or bad puns this time?_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Please, this story has some dignity.


	4. Slow Wit Bites the Big One

**Chapter 4 - Slow Wit Bites the Big One**

_SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, DWARFS' HOUSE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Unbeknownst to Slow Wit, but knownst to us, she just let the wicked Queen into the dwarfs' home, carrying a load of poison avocadoes with which to get rid of her once and for all. Or at least once and for most.

_ Slow Wit picks up an avocado from the Queen's basket._

SLOW WIT  
Say, this is a nice one.

QUEEN  
Why don't you take a bite and taste it for yourself?

SLOW WIT  
Well, I don't really like avocadoes without mustard.

_ The Queen stares at Slow Wit for several beats._

QUEEN  
You put mustard on your avocadoes?

SLOW WIT  
Only when there's no Catalina dressing.

_ The Queen hesitates, struggling to process this, then gives up and starts rummaging through her basket._

QUEEN  
Uh . . . well . . .

_ She finally pulls out a pepper shaker._

QUEEN  
All I've got is pepper.

SLOW WIT  
I've never tried pepper on avocadoes.

QUEEN  
Uh . . . well! Here's your chance to try something new! I mean, you never know if you like it or not unless you try it.

SLOW WIT  
Okay!

_ Slow Wit shakes pepper on the avocado and bites down hard. After a few seconds of chewing:_

SLOW WIT  
Hmm, not bad, but I still prefer mus-

_ With a loud _THUMP!_, Slow Wit topples over onto the floor._

SLOW WIT  
Zzzzzzzzz...

QUEEN  
(wicked)  
Hahahahahaha!

SLOW WIT  
-turd. Zzzzzzzzzz...

_ The Queen does an insulted double-take, but quickly shakes it off and runs from the house._

_SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, FOREST, NEAR COTTAGE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Hours later, the dwarves finally returned home from their mine, completely unaware of Slow Wit's tragic fate.

CRABBY (O.S.)  
I don't know what you guys are so mad about! I may have opened up an archeological cave full of priceless artifacts.

_ The dwarfs emerge from the woods. Their clothes are in burnt tatters, and their bodies are char-broiled and covered in dust and dirt, as if they've just been through one of those old-fashioned cartoon comedy explosions._

STINKY  
But did you have to use so much dynamite!

BOSSY  
You not only blew up half our equipment, you caved in our three best tunnels!

SILLY  
Do you know how much euxarite we may have lost because of you?

CRABBY  
Oh, what's the difference! We've never found any use for the garbage we've dug up! Most of the practical uses haven't even been invented yet!

BRAINY  
Not necessarily. One interesting trace mineral I found today contains iodine, a prime ingredient in antiseptics. And you know how many cuts and skins miners get.

DREARY  
I think what Crabby means is that, just once, couldn't we find some gold?

BRAINY  
Gold? That's just about the most worthless metal in the universe! It's too heavy and too soft to use in any type of metal alloys outside of dentistry.

SPACEY  
And gold just makes the greedy even greedier. There's too much selfishness in the world as it is.

CRABBY  
You guys are hopeless!

_ The dwarfs suddenly stop as their house comes into sight._

SILLY  
Hey, the door's wide open!

CRABBY  
Deadbolt! Is that so hard to remember?

BRAINY  
But Slow Wit was here this time, and we told her to keep it closed!

STINKY  
I hope she's all right!

_ The dwarfs rush into the house._

_SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, COTTAGE_

_ The dwarfs find Slow Wit sprawled on the floor, unconscious._

DREARY  
What a place to take a nap.

BOSSY  
I have a feeling this isn't just a nap.

_ Bossy sees the half-eaten avocado next to Slow Wit._

BOSSY  
Brainy, what do you make of that?

_ Brainy picks up the avocado and examines it all over, sniffing it experimentally. He finally gives it a tentative touch with his tongue, and immediately turns and violently spits._

BRAINY  
Poisoned!

SILLY  
Is there an antidote?

BRAINY  
I won't know without a complete laboratory analysis.

CRABBY  
What laboratory? This is medieval times!

BOSSY  
Which means alchemy . . . or witchcraft!

STINKY  
The Queen! I'll bet she did this! What do we do?

DREARY  
Stuff her in a trash bag and leave her on the curb?

OTHER DWARFS  
(in unison)  
NO!

_ Brainy leans close to Slow Wit's face._

BRAINY  
She's still breathing, but it's very slow and shallow, like she's in a coma.

SPACEY  
We need to find a way to wake her up. Silly, any ideas?

SILLY  
Me? I don't know nothin' about waking no princesses!

SPACEY  
Stinky, how about you?

STINKY  
What about black coffee?

CRABBY  
Not the coffee you make! That stuff can dissolve cast iron!

STINKY  
Fine, but the next time you want to melt through a hundred feet of bedrock in record time to get to a new vein of stibrite, don't come crying to me!

BOSSY  
Alright, here's my idea. We carry her to the nearest apothecary. Bring the avocado too, they can analyze the poison, maybe determine an antidote.

DREARY  
If there is one.

SILLY  
Do you always have to be such a pessimist?

DREARY  
My mother didn't name me Dreary for nothing.

CRABBY  
How are we gonna find an apothecary? We've been living in the forest all our lives.

SPACEY  
No sweat bros, I'll check the yellow pages.

_ Spacey grabs the yellow pages from a kitchen shelf and flips through them._

SPACEY  
(reads)  
. . . Abbeys . . . Actors' guilds . . . Alchemists . . . Antimatter reactor service and repair . . . Apothecaries! 278 West Enchanted Place, Fairtown.

_SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, FOREST_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
So the dwarfs put their plan into action. They constructed a glass case and laid the sleeping princess in it to protect her during the long journey, and they carried her through the woods toward the nearest civilization.

STINKY  
We can't do that! The nearest civilization is the wicked Queen's castle!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
No it isn't! Fairtown is only 2 miles south of your house!

BOSSY  
South of -  
(to other dwarfs)  
Have we been going the wrong way?

_SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, ELSEWHERE in FOREST_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
So the dwarfs carried Slow Wit through the woods toward the real nearest civilization. But when they got to the apothecary in Fairtown . . .

_SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE APOTHECARY, FAIRTOWN (as if you couldn't guess)_

_ All the dwarfs except Bossy wait outside the apothecary's office with the comatose Slow Wit. Finally Bossy exits the office and rejoins them._

BOSSY  
The secretary says it'll be at least another hour, maybe two before the apothecary can see us.

CRABBY  
Crap! Even in fairy tales, they make you wait forever!

_ They see a well-dressed man approaching on horseback._

DREARY  
Who's that guy coming toward us?

BRAINY  
Must be a prince.

DREARY  
How do you know?

BRAINY  
He hasn't got BLEEP! all over him.

_ The horseman rides up to the dwarfs and introduces himself._

PRINCE ALARMING  
Hi fellahs, my name's Prince Alarming. Can you tell me how to get to St. Ives? And who's the babe in the glass coffin!

BOSSY  
That's eight miles down the road, and this is Princess Slow Wit.

SILLY  
The wicked Queen poisoned her with an avocado!

_ Alarming quickly gets down off his high horse._

ALARMING  
I know some first-aid, let me take a look at her.

_ The dwarfs carefully open Slow Wit's glass case. Alarming gets up close to examine her._

ALARMING  
(to himself)  
Hmmm . . . pale . . . barely breathing.

_ Alarming takes hold of Slow Wit's wrist._

ALARMING  
No detectable pulse.

_ Alarming taps Slow Wit's right knee. Four full seconds later, her right leg jerks up._

ALARMING  
Reflexes slow. Looks like a spell of permanent sleep. But there is a cure.

STINKY  
What is it?

ALARMING  
A gigantic smooch!

_ Alarming grabs Slow Wit's head, squashes his lips to hers, and gives her the deepest French kiss in history, tongue and all._

BOSSY  
Ee-yuck!

SPACEY  
Just kiss her, Man! Don't inhale her!

_ With a loud _POP!_, Alarming and Slow Wit disengage. Her eyes fly open and she sits up._

SLOW WIT  
WWWWWWWOW!

CRABBY  
I don't believe it! How'd you do that?

DREARY  
Easy, he sucked the poison out.

SLOW WIT  
(to Alarming)  
I can't thank you enough for bringing me out of that! Beauty sleep is one thing, but that was too much!

ALARMING  
Just looking at your beauty and seeing you alive and well is thanks enough!

_ Alarming gets down on his knee as an uplifting, romantic overture begins playing._

ALARMING  
Oh fair one, never have I encountered a lady so fair and good and full of life as you! Will you do me the honor of marrying me? Of coming with me to live in my castle far away in an enchanted land, where we will live happily ever after?

SLOW WIT  
Now wait a minute! We only just met!

_ The uplifting, romantic overture abruptly ends._

ALARMING  
Oh yeah. How about dinner and a movie, and see where it goes from there?

SLOW WIT  
. . . Works for me!

_ Alarming remounts his horse and helps Slow Wit up to join him._

SILLY  
So long, Slow Wit! Have a great life!

BOSSY  
If you do marry the prince, be sure to invite us to the wedding!

STINKY  
I'll bake the cake!

SLOW WIT, ALARMING, and the OTHER DWARFS  
(in unison)  
The hell you will!

STINKY  
Everyone's a critic.

_ Slow Wit and Alarming ride off into the sunset. Yippee-I-yay._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Eventually, Prince Alarming and Slow Wit did marry and went to live at the Prince's magnificent castle in an enchanted land far, far away . . .  
(beat)  
Okay, it was just over in the next county, but they did live happily ever after, and that's what counts, doesn't it?

_SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, LABORATORY, QUEEN'S CASTLE_

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Oh, what became of the wicked Queen? Well, after giving Slow Wit the poison avocado, she high-tailed it back to her castle and changed herself back to normal - or at least normal for her.

QUEEN  
Watch it!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
So elated was she at finally putting the bite on Slow Wit, she danced around her laboratory like she'd just won the New York Lottery.

QUEEN  
I feel like I just won the New York Lottery!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
I just said that!

QUEEN  
Shut up!

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
If you're gonna keep ragging on me, I'm leaving!

QUEEN  
Is that a promise?  
(to Mirror)  
Now, Mirror! This time I'm going to get the answer I want!  
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who is the fairest of them all?

_ The Mirror's face appears._

MIRROR  
Here we go again.  
(beat)  
Ruby of lips and blonde of hair,  
'Tis Slow Wit who is by far the most fair.

_ The Queen's expression does a slow fade from a smile to a dangerous slow burn._

QUEEN  
(low and menacing)  
Come closer and say that again.

MIRROR  
How can I come closer when I'm stuck hanging on the wall-

QUEEN  
NEVER MIND! How the hell can Slow Wit still be fairest in the land! I gave her the poison avocado myself! I saw her keel over myself! I heard her call me a turd with her dying breath myself! I tell you, that spell is absolutely foolproof!

MIRROR  
Evidently, you failed to read the spell's fine print.

_ The Queen does a double-take._

QUEEN  
What fine print?

_ The Queen rushes to her book, flips through to the spell's page, and scans for the fine print. She has to take a magnifying glass from a nearby shelf to read it:_

QUEEN  
(reads)  
"Note: Spell becomes void if victim is kissed by handsome prince." WHAT! You mean I went to all that trouble for nothing!

MIRROR  
Yes, my Queen.

QUEEN  
And now she's fallen in love with some big-shot prince!

MIRROR  
Yes, my Queen.

QUEEN  
And they've gone off to his castle to live happily ever after!

MIRROR  
Yes, my Queen.

QUEEN  
(mocking)  
"Yes, my Queen!" Is that all you can say? All my plans and schemes ruined in one story, and all you can do is hang there and say "Yes, my Queen"?

MIRROR  
Yes, my Queen.

QUEEN  
AAAAGH! Give me one good reason I shouldn't smash you into a thousand pieces and recycle you into a giant beer mug!

MIRROR  
Because you will need my value in hock very soon.

QUEEN  
What do you mean by that?

_ The door to the Queen's lab is flung open, and two well-dressed AGENTS march in._

AGENT #1  
Are you the wicked Queen?

QUEEN  
Yeah, what business is it of yours?

_ Agent #2 pulls out an ID badge._

AGENT #2  
Internal Revenue Service. You owe 300,000 dollars in back taxes. Come with us, please.

_ The agents each grab one of the Queen's arms, and pull her toward the door kicking and struggling._

QUEEN  
You can't do this to me! Mirror! You gotta help me, I need legal help, fast! Where do I go! What do I do!

MIRROR  
Frankly my Queen, I don't give a damn.

QUEEN  
Oh, shut up!

_ The agents finish dragging the Queen out of the lab._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Is she gone? Good.  
(beat)  
The wicked Queen got thirty years for tax evasion, attempted sleep-inducement, practicing black magic without a license, and not paying import duties on the avocadoes.

_SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, CORPORATE OFFICE_

_ The dwarfs sit at individual desks, poring and collaborating over various maps, data readouts, and calculations._

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
As for the seven dwarfs, they got ten years . . a ten-year contract from Castle Construction Company. The day after Slow Wit left with Prince Alarming, they returned to their mine and hit a huge deposit of granite, widely used in building castles and bridges. They sold the mine for a fortune and now serve as the company's chief mineralogists. And they were able to move out of their old cabin and buy a condominium in St. Ives. And they lived as happily ever after as Slow Wit and Prince Alarming did.

MIRROR (V.O.)  
Excuse me, but what became of me after the Queen was arrested?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
You were sold off in the tax settlement and wound up in a second-hand store. But then you got appraised on "Antiques Roadshow" for three thousand dollars, and now you're part of a corporate CEO's private collection in Beverly Hills.

MIRROR (V.O.)  
Sweet!

HUNTSMAN SMITH (V.O.)  
What about me?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
(getting impatient)  
You got a bit part as one of the hunters in Peter and the Wolf, which eventually led to a successful career in fairy tales and movies, playing parts like the hunter in Red Riding Hood, Orion the hunter in Clash of the Titans, and eventually co-starring roles in Night of the Hunter and The Deer Hunter.

SMITH  
Damn typecasting!

KING (SLOW WIT'S FATHER) (V.O.)  
What happened to me?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
. . . You died!

KING (V.O.)  
Oh yeah.

SORCEROR'S APPRENTICE (V.O.)  
What about me?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
You weren't even in this story!

SORCEROR'S APPRENTICE (V.O.)  
So I obviously don't know what happened to me after it ended, do I?

NARRATOR (V.O.)  
That's it! Story's over! I'm outta here!

_ Sounds of someone stomping off into the distance, opening a door, and slamming it._

_THE END_

_SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, BREAK ROOM, RC GUMBY STUDIO_

_ Slow Wit and Bossy are having coffee._

SLOW WIT  
Boy, that narrator is so uptight.

BOSSY  
Voice actors. Go figure.


End file.
